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Chapter 8

Someone once asked me how I was
I could only answer ‘in the middle’
It’s a riddle that I cant solve
No matter how hard I try !

Is being in the middle so so bad?
I can only assume by the response I got
“A little to the left, or a little to the right?”
The answer desperately sought

But My Dear One,
I am the equator
Being in the middle
And have two worlds with their suns & beaches
To take one all as my heart pleases

And My Darling
I am the perfect equation
Being in the middle
With neither a smile nor a frown
No negative or positive
No going up or down

Not to forget My Love
I am peace itself
Being in the middle
With no joy and no sorrow
With no idea of yesterday
And no vision of tomorrow

So Whats the rush my dear loved one
Once I steer, I will only have
Twice the journey to make back
Because as usual the choice will be wrong
So let me live the middle while I can
And you please play along !

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Chapter 7

The darkest hour is behind it
Yet the sun is shy to shine
As it burdened stretches it rays
Across the dotted skies

Chapter 6

Sometimes its best
to take a back seat
And let time do the driving

Sometimes its best
to let life flow
Than soul do the striving

We all fall down
from time to time
We all go numb
from time to time

We all bleed till the heart is dead
We all feel pain till we can’t pretend
Anymore

Sometimes its best
to let the sun hide
For the dark to reign
and to just resign

For the plan to unveil
in its own sweet time
For each step to be
just a walk on the side

Sometimes its best
to stare into the blind
Than to cry rivers
for stars to shine

To walk broken
than sail a mile
To see flowers grow
than a full bloomed vine

We all fall down
from time to time
We all go numb
from time to time

We all bleed till the heart is dead
We all feel pain till we can’t pretend
Anymore

Sometimes its best
to take a back seat
And let time do the driving

Sometimes its best
to let life flow
Than soul do the striving

Chapter 5

What are you without a religion. I don’t mean Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism etc. I mean ‘Religion’ – your religion – one that defines YOU. One that makes YOU. One that is the very spine of your existence?

I was without religion once, just that I didn’t know it then. Life felt like a high speed chase on a freeway…what was chasing me, what was I chasing I didn’t know. All was blinded out by the headlights that stared in my face way too often. On hindsight, I can safely say it was like being on chemical, without being on chemical. The hits and misses, the hit n runs seemed a way of life till I found myself greyed and awoken.

This is as close as I ever got to a NDE. The shock of being pulled back when the end of the tunnel was just a step away was nothing short of being dipped in the slush of Antartica stark naked. The cold burns – its all a unity, a summation.

My point zero was a good place to start. I had a new canvas. But the palette held hues of mostly reds from all that I had bled. I tried to see the others in the rainbow, but the past is a difficult glass to look through. I’m told there are six more there…am in no rush this time… let all six unveil one at a time…I would love to soak in each , one by one. And build my religion piece by piece.

Chapter 4

I was lost in the woods
In the fogs of time
For a while I was scared
But now I feel fine

I found someone
Who I had lost long ago
My friend and my mate
My own precious soul

I looked in the mirror
For once in my life
And was amazed at the beauty
Of this gift that was mine

I could hardly believe
How blind I had been
Chasing black holes
Where bright stars could be seen

The strength in me
Could move mountains I was sure
All I had to do
Was just walk out the door

The whole world was for me
To take as I pleased
All the riches and the love
And all that I could see

I laugh out aloud
At this treasure that is mine
For a while I was scared
But now I feel fine

I’m still lost in the woods
But I whistle as I seek
For now I know
Even bleeding souls can heal

Chapter 2

How do you try to pull together a life, a soul which seem shattered into a million pieces and all that exists now is a void…a black hole of lost dreams, hopes, happiness…and there you stand in the dark, accepting the inevitable summation of your years…

You walked through life hiding your true self, seeking acceptance, living a lie…you choked your spirit as if it were not the reason for your very existence, but an evil force that needed to be crushed…it was so important to fit in this world of plastic smiles and botox…and you did – another spineless zombie clone…mindlessly trying to do the drill its supposed to…

There is no sin bigger in this world than to kill ones own soul…to imprison ones own mind…and one has to pay for it…very very dearly…what you thought was locked away and forgotten rises again… the outlaw, the gypsy, the devil struggles once too often to come out…to breathe, thrive and to live its destiny…slowly and unnoticed, like the first winter mist it escapes…first gently seducing, then completely taking over your whole life…

You are entrapped…a prisoner of the ex-convict that you sentenced so guiltlessly…the vengeance is going to be but pure and lethal. Like one possessed, you spiral out of control, a psychedelic journey on a roller coaster, zipping in and out of your two worlds…the world that could have been, enticing you…the world that is, suffocating you. The stark contrast plays tricks on your mind…till you are ready to blow a hole right through your own head…

In this moment of twisted clarity, you realize your self imposed exile…and the peace & freedom that you abandoned …the rainbow at the end of this present unending grey…it’s a free fall for your soul…a plunge that could give it wings if you only dared try…

But the prison of the past in never easy to break out of…the shackles run deep and breaking each one of them would be inflicting one mortal wound after another…still, living a lie any longer would mean breathing your last this instant…

Its imminent death, no matter which path you choose…its not easy…but, on the one of self, atleast there is some hope of a silver lining…and even if the sun doesn’t come out, atleast they will know who was it that they actually buried and whether to cry over you or not…

Chapter 1

When a Zillion thoughts run through your head at the speed of light, there is little that you see or do. You don’t see the car come out of nowhere, seriously damaging your side…you don’t hear the driver throw a lame apology your way and zip off…you don’t remember how you reached back home…you didn’t even know you were out…

You just don’t know…all you know is that you have to pull through…that you have to find in yourself the strength that people say is hidden somewhere deep…you have to pass the day, without crying, without dying …you cant let yourself die till you are alive…and you hang on to that last ounce of will power….

You feel like a dead man walking…you can see yourself…observe yourself…like your soul is out there somewhere…watching over your body, remote controlling it, making it do what its supposed to…the pain seems to have detached the body and the soul…the soul suffers but alone…while you try to go on…

The moment you realize that you might as well hide yourself in your bedroom with a novel and a chilled bottle of beer as you might go out in the scorching sun, driving like a lunatic, feet pressed to the accelerator, rushing your way to hell – both options equally tempting, you understand the galactic distance traveled by your mind in split seconds…you see how thin you are spread…how close to just disintegrating…

The past is but gone,the devil had delivered…the future is dark,the sun is still set…you try to find that one thing , that one moment in your life that might make it all worth it…as your life flashes  before your eyes…you see it all…your whole life…desperately seeking one thing to cling on to, one  – just one reason to smile…and it hits you hard – they are all dead…they died a year ago…and lie buried safe and at peace ….and all you have of them now is inked somewhere on your body….

You wonder if you are alone in this place? People talk…you try to hear their voices over the noise in your head…they seem to be saying something…something about happiness…a word from your distant past…a past so distant that you don’t even know what that feeling is like anymore…how do they do it? How do they look so happy? So normal? Is it because they don’t feel?…coz inside they are more dead than you but pretend to be more alive than you?

You wonder what their world is like…It would be colorless you think… a world where the sun is less bright, where the water is less wet, where the night is less dark…it sounds like a compromise with pain – for it to leave the city alone…a pact that they seem to accept… choosing to ignore that it still lurks around, just on the edge, threatening a retreat at the slightest hint of life…

And you wonder if that world is the rebirth that you want to take? To let yourself die to let yourself live? Always knowing that the devil holds your soul at ransom…